As I sit here. Thinking. Doing a little reading. My mind wonders back to this weekend. Where we said our farewells to a brother I hardly knew in adult life. There are so many emotions. So sad that he died so young. Some mad that he chose to do that on his time and to not include any good byes to us. I am tired. I am emotionally spent. I am in pain.
I’ve chosen to start writing my feelings down. Getting them out is my souls way of releasing. So, maybe I can move on. My doctor told me yesterday that the trauma of the service and seeing him will come and go like waves. It changes you. But we cannot change how anyone lives their life nor how they choose to end it. We can only find comfort in the fact that the suffering and pain for him is gone. He has moved from this place. We are still here. To still feel the wounds.
I was told that when the bad thoughts come to change them to the good memories. To dwell on the good and the fun times we had. This experience has changed our family dynamics. I can feel it already. We are all pulling away into the safety of our own homes. Our own families.
Everyone wants to forget the hard childhood. Wants to forget the terrible void. Our minds like to dwell on the bad. But we do have a choice. We can change. We can choose how we live our lives so that when our time comes. We can exit in peace.
Winter is coming here. The air is already cooler and the leaves are falling from the trees. I want to use this winter to heal, to get mentally stronger, to get in shape, to take care of myself. To write out my feelings. To accept things as they are. To change what I can and to show so much more love. To speak slow and quiet. But at the same time to speak outside of my head and not hold things in that hurt me or things that make me happy.
Life is fragile. I’m reading a book called “Wintering. The power to rest and retreat in difficult times.” So, this winter I will be wintering. I will be soaking up every minute. Slowly feeling the season. Feeling every moment. Writing it down so that I can remember it when my mind starts to distort my memories.
To be more grateful. More intuitive. Closer to my power. More alive. To taste my food. See the beauty in the seasons.
To create beautiful things. To learn to cook good food. To make my house a refuge of safety and love. To sit in the silence and listen. To be off line and be present in life. To find the good in every day. To connect deeper. Make deep friendships. To be aware of my surroundings and to help others. I want to slow down and absorb every minute. I want to look ok forward to things instead of dread and fear things.
I want to sit on the porch and watch it snow. I want to share more with my kids. But most of all I want to start living outside of my head and show more love.
What are you looking forward to this winter? The quiet months. Let’s all live in this season and not rush to the next. It will come in it’s own time.